problems i face...

hey yall!!!

so i know ive talked before about my trust issues and not getting close to people...and my reasoning, etc. well i was looking it up to see if it was a phobia... turns out it is. its called AMMIDYPHOBIA. and it literally describes me. and NO if you read other stories about people being obsessive of other people, that is definitely NOT ME!!!!! my problem as i have described before is fear of someone leaving me. which...obviously plays out...(i totally blame my parents for this-mostly my mom-i literally always ask myself or have this running through my mind..."why didnt you want me?didnt you love me?what did i do for you to not want me?why did you leave me here?why didnt you ever come back?why didnt you ever call me or write me?why didnt you come find me when i was older?"those questions are what haunt my very being...and make me all effed up inside and what cause my issues to be the way they are..) and the worst part is i have these little, well not really episodes, nor attacks, but moments where when i have this uneasy feeling, when i open up to someone and they retaliate with this feeling of shutting a door. and then it in turn makes me feel like the walls are closing in and im being crammed into a tiny corner...it just really isnt a good feeling...i have numerous times broke down crying, balling...i want to get rid of these issues.i want my life to be normal...well i want to be able to trust people... anyway. that was issue #1... on to issue #2...now at first if you know me personally then you might disagree with what i'm about to say. but i also looked this up, and i strongly think i have social phobia/social anxiety... now you may also think wait,what? doesnt that sort of contradict the 1st issue? not wanting people to leave her, but have social problems too?
for me no. i dont really have a problem being social and talking to people, but when i talk (i never show it) but i can get really uncomfortable, my face will turn red,my thoughts get clouded...and i have bad problems with thinking people will judge me, or criticize me harshly, it almost makes me feel like a kid, who is cowering in fear from a scolding adult... and i havent told anyone in my family my hypothesized issues, for fear they will judge harshly, or they think im being over dramatic, or something of the sort...

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF THE SOCIALLY ANXIOUS!
a little fact for ya: Social anxiety is the third largest psychological problem in the United States today. This type of anxiety affects 15 million Americans in any given year. Unlike some other psychological problems, social anxiety is not well understood by the general public or by medical and mental health care professionals, such as doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, social workers, and counselors. In fact, people with social anxiety are misdiagnosed almost 90% of the time. People with social phobia go to anxiety clinics labeled as "schizophrenic", "manic-depressive", "clinically depressed", "panic disordered", and "personality disordered", among other damaging misdiagnoses.




so yea i get to battle with these kinda stressful feelings everyday... FML!!!!! so if you see me and think im very outgoing...its a cover up. 


lovage to ya!