hey yall!
sooo...i know ive complained about my dad before...but i need to again. so it was sunday and all the family were up at "the place" which is my grandma's land in winfield community near appling, ga. now i love all my siblings so much and wouldnt know what to do without them, but i think my dad treats them different sometimes. treats them better. i mean come on, my grandma can even vouche for me!! so we were on the dock fishin and my brother and i were by ourselves while everyone went on a walk...soon my dad comes along and starts throwin a beetle spin for a few minutes. then he hooks a big bass and hands the rod to my brother. they get the fish to the dock and later they weigh it and its 5 lbs. my dad and step mom freak out and go look for a piece of cedar wood to mount the fish! now pay mind ive got a mallard drake in the freezer thats been waitin to be mounted for 2 years!!! and they are worried about my brother's first fish mount. and i got my first deer a couple weeks back and ive heard no word on gettin that nounted... now who do you think gets treated better? who do you think is more important? when was my piece of cedar looked for 2 years ago??!!! it makes me crazy that he puts all of them before me. i know im the oldest and cant be selfish but thats just takin advantage of my patience. i know it makes me sound jealous but its trully not fair anymore...ive stood on the side lines for far too long. will i say anythin to him? no. why? because he wont understand...my grandma(his mom) encourages me to talk to him about it, but i always tell her, no, to just let it be. one day he'll understand. one day he'll look back on all the things he skipped out on in my life and hopefully feel bad about it...but if he tries to make it up it'll be too late. so i thought i would vent about his ignorance...
lovage to ya!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
problems i face...
hey yall!!!
so i know ive talked before about my trust issues and not getting close to people...and my reasoning, etc. well i was looking it up to see if it was a phobia... turns out it is. its called AMMIDYPHOBIA. and it literally describes me. and NO if you read other stories about people being obsessive of other people, that is definitely NOT ME!!!!! my problem as i have described before is fear of someone leaving me. which...obviously plays out...(i totally blame my parents for this-mostly my mom-i literally always ask myself or have this running through my mind..."why didnt you want me?didnt you love me?what did i do for you to not want me?why did you leave me here?why didnt you ever come back?why didnt you ever call me or write me?why didnt you come find me when i was older?"those questions are what haunt my very being...and make me all effed up inside and what cause my issues to be the way they are..) and the worst part is i have these little, well not really episodes, nor attacks, but moments where when i have this uneasy feeling, when i open up to someone and they retaliate with this feeling of shutting a door. and then it in turn makes me feel like the walls are closing in and im being crammed into a tiny corner...it just really isnt a good feeling...i have numerous times broke down crying, balling...i want to get rid of these issues.i want my life to be normal...well i want to be able to trust people... anyway. that was issue #1... on to issue #2...now at first if you know me personally then you might disagree with what i'm about to say. but i also looked this up, and i strongly think i have social phobia/social anxiety... now you may also think wait,what? doesnt that sort of contradict the 1st issue? not wanting people to leave her, but have social problems too?
for me no. i dont really have a problem being social and talking to people, but when i talk (i never show it) but i can get really uncomfortable, my face will turn red,my thoughts get clouded...and i have bad problems with thinking people will judge me, or criticize me harshly, it almost makes me feel like a kid, who is cowering in fear from a scolding adult... and i havent told anyone in my family my hypothesized issues, for fear they will judge harshly, or they think im being over dramatic, or something of the sort...
WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF THE SOCIALLY ANXIOUS!
a little fact for ya: Social anxiety is the third largest psychological problem in the United States today. This type of anxiety affects 15 million Americans in any given year. Unlike some other psychological problems, social anxiety is not well understood by the general public or by medical and mental health care professionals, such as doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, social workers, and counselors. In fact, people with social anxiety are misdiagnosed almost 90% of the time. People with social phobia go to anxiety clinics labeled as "schizophrenic", "manic-depressive", "clinically depressed", "panic disordered", and "personality disordered", among other damaging misdiagnoses.
so yea i get to battle with these kinda stressful feelings everyday... FML!!!!! so if you see me and think im very outgoing...its a cover up.
lovage to ya!
so i know ive talked before about my trust issues and not getting close to people...and my reasoning, etc. well i was looking it up to see if it was a phobia... turns out it is. its called AMMIDYPHOBIA. and it literally describes me. and NO if you read other stories about people being obsessive of other people, that is definitely NOT ME!!!!! my problem as i have described before is fear of someone leaving me. which...obviously plays out...(i totally blame my parents for this-mostly my mom-i literally always ask myself or have this running through my mind..."why didnt you want me?didnt you love me?what did i do for you to not want me?why did you leave me here?why didnt you ever come back?why didnt you ever call me or write me?why didnt you come find me when i was older?"those questions are what haunt my very being...and make me all effed up inside and what cause my issues to be the way they are..) and the worst part is i have these little, well not really episodes, nor attacks, but moments where when i have this uneasy feeling, when i open up to someone and they retaliate with this feeling of shutting a door. and then it in turn makes me feel like the walls are closing in and im being crammed into a tiny corner...it just really isnt a good feeling...i have numerous times broke down crying, balling...i want to get rid of these issues.i want my life to be normal...well i want to be able to trust people... anyway. that was issue #1... on to issue #2...now at first if you know me personally then you might disagree with what i'm about to say. but i also looked this up, and i strongly think i have social phobia/social anxiety... now you may also think wait,what? doesnt that sort of contradict the 1st issue? not wanting people to leave her, but have social problems too?
for me no. i dont really have a problem being social and talking to people, but when i talk (i never show it) but i can get really uncomfortable, my face will turn red,my thoughts get clouded...and i have bad problems with thinking people will judge me, or criticize me harshly, it almost makes me feel like a kid, who is cowering in fear from a scolding adult... and i havent told anyone in my family my hypothesized issues, for fear they will judge harshly, or they think im being over dramatic, or something of the sort...
WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF THE SOCIALLY ANXIOUS!
a little fact for ya: Social anxiety is the third largest psychological problem in the United States today. This type of anxiety affects 15 million Americans in any given year. Unlike some other psychological problems, social anxiety is not well understood by the general public or by medical and mental health care professionals, such as doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, social workers, and counselors. In fact, people with social anxiety are misdiagnosed almost 90% of the time. People with social phobia go to anxiety clinics labeled as "schizophrenic", "manic-depressive", "clinically depressed", "panic disordered", and "personality disordered", among other damaging misdiagnoses.
so yea i get to battle with these kinda stressful feelings everyday... FML!!!!! so if you see me and think im very outgoing...its a cover up.
lovage to ya!
Friday, August 26, 2011
the girl i am...
hey yall!
well today i guess i'll explain something a friend of mine and i are talking about. COLLEGE... the most feared word for a brand new senior... and trying to decide where you are gonna go is just the death of us. anyway we were arguing how i should go to SCAD but i told her that no, im not talented enough to go to SCAD... but she says no way youre an awesome at writing, drawing, and singing. yea well maybe i'm good enough to sing in my room or in the car...but definitely not good enough to make it my profession... if i could sing every minute of everyday i would. if i wasnt so nervous i would get a bull horn and stick it out my truck window and sing at the top of my lungs. its been a dream of mine since i was a kid. i would give away everything i own if i just had a shot at singing...and i screwed up my chance at the recent community talent show... that was completely awful... anyways just thought i would rant about my lost cause dream... everyone has one. its just they were talented enough to fulfill it...
lovage to ya..
well today i guess i'll explain something a friend of mine and i are talking about. COLLEGE... the most feared word for a brand new senior... and trying to decide where you are gonna go is just the death of us. anyway we were arguing how i should go to SCAD but i told her that no, im not talented enough to go to SCAD... but she says no way youre an awesome at writing, drawing, and singing. yea well maybe i'm good enough to sing in my room or in the car...but definitely not good enough to make it my profession... if i could sing every minute of everyday i would. if i wasnt so nervous i would get a bull horn and stick it out my truck window and sing at the top of my lungs. its been a dream of mine since i was a kid. i would give away everything i own if i just had a shot at singing...and i screwed up my chance at the recent community talent show... that was completely awful... anyways just thought i would rant about my lost cause dream... everyone has one. its just they were talented enough to fulfill it...
lovage to ya..
Sunday, August 21, 2011
fans...
ok yall...
i was lookin through my posts and was wondering if ive been on this subject...NOPE not yet. :)
MY FAMILY AS SPORTS FANS! ive come to the conclusion that i dont care anymore if my family comes to my sports events. the only fans ive really had is my grandparents...and recently now just my grandma.
my dad is obviously too busy to come see me. he has a job that comes first. then it seems when it comes to him havin a chance to see me play he has to be somewhere else. im not even gonna start on my mom. she obviously has NEVER come to a game. because DUH she's only been in my life for like what? almost 3 yrs. well i didnt expect much from her. it seems my sister's soccer PRACTICE comes first before my last year of high school sports. but HELL!!! whatever. like i said it doesnt even matter now.
lovage to yall!
i was lookin through my posts and was wondering if ive been on this subject...NOPE not yet. :)
MY FAMILY AS SPORTS FANS! ive come to the conclusion that i dont care anymore if my family comes to my sports events. the only fans ive really had is my grandparents...and recently now just my grandma.
my dad is obviously too busy to come see me. he has a job that comes first. then it seems when it comes to him havin a chance to see me play he has to be somewhere else. im not even gonna start on my mom. she obviously has NEVER come to a game. because DUH she's only been in my life for like what? almost 3 yrs. well i didnt expect much from her. it seems my sister's soccer PRACTICE comes first before my last year of high school sports. but HELL!!! whatever. like i said it doesnt even matter now.
lovage to yall!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
scared...
hey yall!
i dont know if i've said this in another blog, or not, if i have then you can hear it again... i have awful STAGE FRIGHT!!! though i love to sing...more than anything. if i could sing every minute of every day i would. my friends say im an awesome singer, but i dont know, i think im one of those garage band soundin voices. good but not good enough. but there is this audition for a community talent show, and i really want to do it, but i dont know. it sounds like fun, but the stage fright might take over and screw me up. though i didnt do that bad when i was auditionin for a school thing...i think ill do it... now just gotta decide what to SING... damn...
lovage to ya!
i dont know if i've said this in another blog, or not, if i have then you can hear it again... i have awful STAGE FRIGHT!!! though i love to sing...more than anything. if i could sing every minute of every day i would. my friends say im an awesome singer, but i dont know, i think im one of those garage band soundin voices. good but not good enough. but there is this audition for a community talent show, and i really want to do it, but i dont know. it sounds like fun, but the stage fright might take over and screw me up. though i didnt do that bad when i was auditionin for a school thing...i think ill do it... now just gotta decide what to SING... damn...
lovage to ya!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
how one good mornin can turn to crap...
hey yall...
it is not good right now... ok so i dont know if i said it on any of my very early blogs... but if i didnt then you may or may not know that i have a MESSED UP family...my aunt is a damn demon. she is a horrible horrible person, she has caused so much pain to our family...and now i completely hate her. i dont want to even call her my aunt anymore.... but lets start from the beginnin shall we? (dramatic music begins...cloud opens into a thought story bubble...) ok so this mornin i wake up early go babysit the munchkins for a little while, jacey was soo cute :) then later on i go to my gma's job and im doin the stupid ad sales thing for school...i didnt sell any... oh well i dont even care bout it...then i go grab some lunch, and go get the hay for bully...i wanted to drive by myself because i wanted to see the hot guy that works there.. ;) and so i get home regularly as any other day...a couple of hours later thats when my bad luck struck... my aunt lied to me. as usual, sayin my gma said that she could have the broken old grill and an old baby bike(which was true) but she also had an old tiller... which to my dismay she wasnt supposed to have. and i was stupid enough to believe her... so anyway later on it gets worse...i wanted an ice cream and i live less than 5 minutes from a brusters...and im drivin back im in the turn lane with my ice cream in the cup holder and the radio down low, then all of a sudden my foot slips the break and i barely bump the guy in front of me...and im pretty sure the hot guy in the car next to me, was say oh s**t!!!! but after we pulled off to the side parkin lots, a couple hundred tears later, a written police report, and back home...my gma goes to the backyard to get the pressure washer...and sees a small tire mark in the dirt...and well there you have it the reason i hate my aunt forever...then a couple of hatin my life tweets and a becky hand slap later here i am writin you lovely people this blog... (and the dramatic music ends and the thought story bubble closes) so that was my really s**tty day!!!
lovage to ya...
it is not good right now... ok so i dont know if i said it on any of my very early blogs... but if i didnt then you may or may not know that i have a MESSED UP family...my aunt is a damn demon. she is a horrible horrible person, she has caused so much pain to our family...and now i completely hate her. i dont want to even call her my aunt anymore.... but lets start from the beginnin shall we? (dramatic music begins...cloud opens into a thought story bubble...) ok so this mornin i wake up early go babysit the munchkins for a little while, jacey was soo cute :) then later on i go to my gma's job and im doin the stupid ad sales thing for school...i didnt sell any... oh well i dont even care bout it...then i go grab some lunch, and go get the hay for bully...i wanted to drive by myself because i wanted to see the hot guy that works there.. ;) and so i get home regularly as any other day...a couple of hours later thats when my bad luck struck... my aunt lied to me. as usual, sayin my gma said that she could have the broken old grill and an old baby bike(which was true) but she also had an old tiller... which to my dismay she wasnt supposed to have. and i was stupid enough to believe her... so anyway later on it gets worse...i wanted an ice cream and i live less than 5 minutes from a brusters...and im drivin back im in the turn lane with my ice cream in the cup holder and the radio down low, then all of a sudden my foot slips the break and i barely bump the guy in front of me...and im pretty sure the hot guy in the car next to me, was say oh s**t!!!! but after we pulled off to the side parkin lots, a couple hundred tears later, a written police report, and back home...my gma goes to the backyard to get the pressure washer...and sees a small tire mark in the dirt...and well there you have it the reason i hate my aunt forever...then a couple of hatin my life tweets and a becky hand slap later here i am writin you lovely people this blog... (and the dramatic music ends and the thought story bubble closes) so that was my really s**tty day!!!
lovage to ya...
Saturday, May 28, 2011
this is just me....
hey yall!
ok so yall know how stubborn of a person i am? and if you dont, you do now! i am more stubborn than both y parents combined...which if you knew them then you would think im the absolute most stubborn person!!! so my friends and i went out yesterday had a good time...now today they want me to go skatin, but (other than fallin off of a porch into some flowers) now im outta ca$h and told em i couldnt come...then one friend said she would pay for me, but my pride wouldnt let me...i kept insistin that i didnt want to go, and other excuses but then the other friend said that it was like payin for drivin everyone around yesterday... so i finally gave in, because it seemed fair. but i seriously hate it when someone has to pay for me...i mean except my parents, its their job, but that doesnt count...im talkin bout friends or their parents... anyway that was just one of my rantings on bout my pride and stubborness...
lovage to ya!
ok so yall know how stubborn of a person i am? and if you dont, you do now! i am more stubborn than both y parents combined...which if you knew them then you would think im the absolute most stubborn person!!! so my friends and i went out yesterday had a good time...now today they want me to go skatin, but (other than fallin off of a porch into some flowers) now im outta ca$h and told em i couldnt come...then one friend said she would pay for me, but my pride wouldnt let me...i kept insistin that i didnt want to go, and other excuses but then the other friend said that it was like payin for drivin everyone around yesterday... so i finally gave in, because it seemed fair. but i seriously hate it when someone has to pay for me...i mean except my parents, its their job, but that doesnt count...im talkin bout friends or their parents... anyway that was just one of my rantings on bout my pride and stubborness...
lovage to ya!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)