its all in my head...

hey yall!

so yall know hopefully by now how my mind works...it goes different directions thinkin different things all at once... i should draw a map of my inner sub-conscience one day... it might be a little morbid. but when i have friend problems, you know, the people that i pull down my walls just enough to get close-ish to.
i mean maybe im just over sensitive, definitely not over reactin, but sometimes i take things too seriously, though my better judgement tells me to leave it be. my short fuse inner temper gets the best of me, and i start drivin like a bat outta hell... but when somethin like this happens it just breaks me down. it burns me apart, into specks of ash blowin in the wind.

but can you blame me for being over sensitive?! they dont know how things get processed in my mind...somethin they say can be interpreted as somethin completely different in my head. they dont know how one harmless joke can hurt me so much. i laugh with them so i dont show it hurts me...i hold back so much from yall. and it hurts me that is has to be that way. but its for the best...

i would love to tell you my problems!!! you dont know how badly i want to scream them to the world! how i want to sit and tell you all everything...but i cant find the words and you cant find the right place in your heart to listen the way i want you to. so thats why a very long time ago i told myself i would never tell my friends my problems, its nothin i want to bother them with...my grandma calls me strong for never falling under the haze of bodily harm, if she only knew. i feel like the girl from the flyleaf song "fully alive" i feel like all my bones are broken, i would be glad for one day of comfort....to make up for all the days ive suffered.

do i ever cry in front of them? HELL NO!!!! cryin in front of them shows weakness. i will never cry in front of them. i dont like to be pitied. i dont want your sympathy. its unneeded and unwanted. you asked me that question. you wanted me to tell you my story. then you get all awkward and want to give me sympathy because your life is nothin compared to mine? i dont want it. the fact my life is so screwed up, has opened my eyes to reality. your sheltered life wont cut it with me.i dont put up with pampered life styles..you have everythin you want yet you complain? you need to sit the F*** down!!!! if anythin i feel sorry for you...you dont know that the decisions you make could end up turnin your world upside down...your kids could end up on the same boat as myself and a lot of other people.tired of it all, wanting to get away from it all... at least thats how i feel about it...

anyway thats all im gonna do with this rant...

lovage to ya!

not how this works...

hey yall!!!

my blood is boilin.
my temper is becomin untamed.
im startin to lose my mind. that fuckin POSER!!!!!
youre not me! you never will! you'll never have the guts to
do the things i do...and you sure as hell cant pull them off if you try.
its been a long drawn out process of the subtle things you do,but now
youre drivin me over the EDGE!


so sweet heart stop tryin to be me, youre not me, you gotta be your own damn person. dont go doin somethin right after i do! im startin to think of you as the creepy ass girl from the room mate!

bitch they call people like you a POSER!!! WANNA-BE!!!!

lovage to yall!!!

messed up...

hey yall!

sooo...i know ive complained about my dad before...but i need to again. so it was sunday and all the family were up at "the place" which is my grandma's land in winfield community near appling, ga. now i love all my siblings so much and wouldnt know what to do without them, but i think my dad treats them different sometimes. treats them better. i mean come on, my grandma can even vouche for me!! so we were on the dock fishin and my brother and i were by ourselves while everyone went on a walk...soon my dad comes along and starts throwin a beetle spin for a few minutes. then he hooks a big bass and hands the rod to my brother. they get the fish to the dock and later they weigh it and its 5 lbs. my dad and step mom freak out and go look for a piece of cedar wood to mount the fish! now pay mind ive got a mallard drake in the freezer thats been waitin to be mounted for 2 years!!! and they are worried about my brother's first fish mount. and i got my first deer a couple weeks back and ive heard no word on gettin that nounted... now who do you think gets treated better? who do you think is more important? when was my piece of cedar looked for 2 years ago??!!! it makes me crazy that he puts all of them before me. i know im the oldest and cant be selfish but thats just takin advantage of my patience. i know it makes me sound jealous but its trully not fair anymore...ive stood on the side lines for far too long. will i say anythin to him? no. why? because he wont understand...my grandma(his mom) encourages me to talk to him about it, but i always tell her, no, to just let it be. one day he'll understand. one day he'll look back on all the things he skipped out on in my life and hopefully feel bad about it...but if he tries to make it up it'll be too late. so i thought i would vent about his ignorance...

lovage to ya!

problems i face...

hey yall!!!

so i know ive talked before about my trust issues and not getting close to people...and my reasoning, etc. well i was looking it up to see if it was a phobia... turns out it is. its called AMMIDYPHOBIA. and it literally describes me. and NO if you read other stories about people being obsessive of other people, that is definitely NOT ME!!!!! my problem as i have described before is fear of someone leaving me. which...obviously plays out...(i totally blame my parents for this-mostly my mom-i literally always ask myself or have this running through my mind..."why didnt you want me?didnt you love me?what did i do for you to not want me?why did you leave me here?why didnt you ever come back?why didnt you ever call me or write me?why didnt you come find me when i was older?"those questions are what haunt my very being...and make me all effed up inside and what cause my issues to be the way they are..) and the worst part is i have these little, well not really episodes, nor attacks, but moments where when i have this uneasy feeling, when i open up to someone and they retaliate with this feeling of shutting a door. and then it in turn makes me feel like the walls are closing in and im being crammed into a tiny corner...it just really isnt a good feeling...i have numerous times broke down crying, balling...i want to get rid of these issues.i want my life to be normal...well i want to be able to trust people... anyway. that was issue #1... on to issue #2...now at first if you know me personally then you might disagree with what i'm about to say. but i also looked this up, and i strongly think i have social phobia/social anxiety... now you may also think wait,what? doesnt that sort of contradict the 1st issue? not wanting people to leave her, but have social problems too?
for me no. i dont really have a problem being social and talking to people, but when i talk (i never show it) but i can get really uncomfortable, my face will turn red,my thoughts get clouded...and i have bad problems with thinking people will judge me, or criticize me harshly, it almost makes me feel like a kid, who is cowering in fear from a scolding adult... and i havent told anyone in my family my hypothesized issues, for fear they will judge harshly, or they think im being over dramatic, or something of the sort...

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF THE SOCIALLY ANXIOUS!
a little fact for ya: Social anxiety is the third largest psychological problem in the United States today. This type of anxiety affects 15 million Americans in any given year. Unlike some other psychological problems, social anxiety is not well understood by the general public or by medical and mental health care professionals, such as doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, social workers, and counselors. In fact, people with social anxiety are misdiagnosed almost 90% of the time. People with social phobia go to anxiety clinics labeled as "schizophrenic", "manic-depressive", "clinically depressed", "panic disordered", and "personality disordered", among other damaging misdiagnoses.




so yea i get to battle with these kinda stressful feelings everyday... FML!!!!! so if you see me and think im very outgoing...its a cover up. 


lovage to ya!

the girl i am...

hey yall!

well today i guess i'll explain something a friend of mine and i are talking about. COLLEGE... the most feared word for a brand new senior... and trying to decide where you are gonna go is just the death of us. anyway we were arguing how i should go to SCAD but i told her that no, im not talented enough to go to SCAD... but she says no way youre an awesome at writing, drawing, and singing. yea well maybe i'm good enough to sing in my room or in the car...but definitely not good enough to make it my profession... if i could sing every minute of everyday i would. if i wasnt so nervous i would get a bull horn and stick it out my truck window and sing at the top of my lungs. its been a dream of mine since i was a kid. i would give away everything i own if i just had a shot at singing...and i screwed up my chance at the recent community  talent show... that was completely awful... anyways just thought i would rant about my lost cause dream... everyone has one. its just they were talented enough to fulfill it...

lovage to ya..

fans...

ok yall...

i was lookin through my posts and was wondering if ive been on this subject...NOPE not yet. :)
MY FAMILY AS SPORTS FANS! ive come to the conclusion that i dont care anymore if my family comes to my sports events. the only fans ive really had is my grandparents...and recently now just my grandma.
my dad is obviously too busy to come see me. he has a job that comes first. then it seems when it comes to him havin a chance to see me play he has to be somewhere else. im not even gonna start on my mom. she obviously has NEVER come to a game. because DUH she's only been in my life for like what? almost 3 yrs. well i didnt expect much from her. it seems my sister's soccer PRACTICE comes first before my last year of high school sports. but HELL!!! whatever. like i said it doesnt even matter now.

lovage to yall!

scared...

hey yall!

i dont know if i've said this in another blog, or not, if i have then you can hear it again... i have awful STAGE FRIGHT!!! though i love to sing...more than anything. if i could sing every minute of every day i would. my friends say im an awesome singer, but i dont know, i think im one of those garage band soundin voices. good but not good enough. but there is this audition for a community talent show, and i really want to do it, but i dont know. it sounds like fun, but the stage fright might take over and screw me up. though i didnt do that bad when i was auditionin for a school thing...i think ill do it... now just gotta decide what to SING... damn...

lovage to ya!